Can you have spoilers for a musical that’s been out for almost three years? I’m going to go with no . . . but if you’re going to see Hamilton tomorrow or something and are worried about it being spoiled, then don’t read any further (or skip down to the *** and just read from there).

“You strike me as a woman who has never been satisfied.” – taken from “Satisfied,” in Hamilton

These are the first words Alexander Hamilton speaks to Angelica Schuyler in Lin Manuel Miranda’s Broadway-breaking musical Hamilton, and it’s a line that sets up much of the character motivation for both Hamilton and Angelica through the rest of the musical.

First, let me say that the music of Hamilton is truly beautiful—and I say that as someone who generally dislikes rap and doesn’t care a ton for hip-hop either. I haven’t seen the musical live, but since my little sis introduced me to the soundtrack a year ago, I’ve listened all the way through multiple times. The back-to-back songs “Helpless” and “Satisfied,” sung by the two Schuyler sisters, Eliza and Angelica, are two of my favorites.

In “Helpless,” Eliza falls head-over-heels for Hamilton the first time they meet. They have a whirlwind courtship, and “Satisfied” begins with Angelica singing a wedding-day toast to the bride and groom. But as the song progresses, we quickly realize that Angelica met Hamilton a few minutes before Eliza and promptly fell as deeply in love with him as her sister did. Angelica and Hamilton match wits in a way Eliza may never do with her husband, but there’s a key reason for why Angelica and Hamilton don’t end up together:

“He will never be satisfied. I will never be satisfied.” – Angelica, in “Satisfied”

For Hamilton, there are “a million things” he hasn’t done, and he means to leave his mark on the world. He wants to marry up, and Angelica fits the bill, but . . . .

Angelica needs to do the same thing. Her role in life is to “marry rich” and Alexander is penniless. So, instead of pursuing him, she introduces him to her sister.

Eliza Schuyler stands in stark contrast to her sister and husband throughout the musical. She’s not seeking to move up in society or to leave a mark on the world. Instead, she values the simple pleasures of life.

“Look around, look around, at how lucky we are to be alive right now,” she continually tells Hamilton. As he works himself half to death trying to rise the social ladder, to gain influence and power, she reminds him of how far he has come already, of the beauty of their life together, of the precious gift of their son.

“Will you relish being a poor man’s wife, unable to provide for your life?” he asks her at one point.

“I relish being your wife,” she replies.

Hamilton, however, is determined not to “throw away his shot,” and it’s not until tragedy strikes that he realizes being by Eliza’s side “would be enough.” In the end, they learn from each other, with him finding contentment in quiet moments together and her stepping up to take her place in history’s narrative.

***

These repeating themes of “I will never be satisfied” and “that would be enough” captured my imagination. How often do we—do I—live life desperately searching for more? For purpose. For validation. For significance. We fear that we are not enough, and so we seek to prove to ourselves and to everyone else that we are.

A few months ago, my pastor preached on Ecclesiastes 2, describing the desires we all have that drive our actions—that drive our chase for meaning and purpose. In the book of Ecclesiastes, the writer sets out on a grand search for meaning by testing out every method common to humankind—pleasure, work, knowledge—and he finds them all meaningless, all ultimately unsatisfying.

“Behold, all was vanity and a striving after wind, and there was nothing to be gained under the sun.” – Ecclesiastes 2:11b

We are all “desiring beings,” our pastor said. All of us have a longing inside for something greater that we can’t explain. We try all manner of things to fulfill those desires, including career, money, entertainment, social media, relationships, service, etc. There is nothing bad in these things in and of themselves, but when we seek satisfaction in them, they leave us empty. Our pastor encouraged us not to deny the desires but to trace them back to their source. To find what, deep down, we were truly desiring.

The sermon made an impact at the time—I was still thinking about it a few weeks later. But mainly I thought about the desires themselves, rather than what my desires said about me. What I’ve realized over the last few weeks is that, most often, I don’t pursue these things because I actually want them. I pursue them because I think that, by doing so, I will become something more.

Recently, I asked God to show me what lies I was believing about myself, and the answer came more quickly than I expected. I have a tendency to believe I’m “not good enough.”

Like Angelica, I feel the pressure to live up to the role society has given me. Like Hamilton, I feel a desperate need to “not throw away my shot.” Like Aaron Burr, I sometimes feel paralyzed by a duty to fulfill the legacy left by my family. My life looks pretty good on the outside, but I know my own heart: its weaknesses, its faults, how often it falls short. And in my most honest moments, I fear I am not good enough.

Over the past couple years, every time I’ve asked God, “What else can I do for You?” this is the answer I’ve received:

“Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.” – Matthew 11:28-29

In essence, His answer seems to be: “Nothing. Don’t do anything. Just be with Me.”

When I trace my desire back to its origin, I find this: my heart longs to be accepted unconditionally. To know that no matter how I succeed or fail, I am known fully and loved completely.

In his sermon on Ecclesiastes, our pastor said this: God gave us our desires deliberately, not so that we would feel the hopelessness of always trying and always failing to be satisfied, but so that we would seek after Him, the only One who can truly satisfy us.

What do you long for? What do you chase after? Where have you sought satisfaction, and where has it left you empty?

I’m still failing pretty regularly to seek satisfaction in Jesus alone. But when I do, I feel . . . full. Whole. Satisfied.

I’m learning that Jesus uses not only our strengths but also our weaknesses. We don’t have to be good enough because—

He. Is. Good.

He. Is. Enough.

And when we rely on Him to fill us, we can stop striving after everything the world says we need and learn to be, just simply, His.